Kinky and Queer? Discord's Providing More Soul than Gay Dating Apps
By Blog Contributor Johnny Gayzmonic
It ain’t easy being kinky. It’s fun, but it ain’t easy. Being kinky isn’t just having a fetish or occasionally “spicing things up in the bedroom.” For me and many others, kink is a philosophy, not an activity. It’s a state of being and a state of mind, a part of sexual identity as much as something like being gay or bisexual is. It’s an indelible and irrevocable part of the core of who we are. It’s very nature insists that it goes beyond the bedroom.
If you’re kinky, it can be difficult for people to find connections. It can be hard to find that rapport that comes from a very specific set of shared interests. This is especially difficult if your kinks are intersectional, like mine are. It’s one thing to be into muscles or spandex or superheroes, but combine all three with a touch of BDSM and a presentation that’s unabashedly queer, and it becomes much more difficult to find like-minded invididuals.
While social media can be great for discovering likeminded folks, too often it can devolve into a kind of virtual circle jerk. That can be as literal or metaphorical as you like. If kink is who you are and not what you do, you need more than just whack-off material in your community. You need to be able to identify and sympathize with other kinky people. Likewise, dating apps like Scruff and Grindr tend to have a very narrow definition of what kink is, and it’s treated more like a hobby or occasional indulgence. Even apps specifically catered to the kink community like Recon focus much more on hook-ups and indulging the kinks than living and breathing it.
For me, things came together through Discord, specifically the Discord server of one Pablo Greene. I knew Pablo through his altar ego Cesar Torres: author of queer superhero fiction and creator of LED Queens, the company behind the workout tights that are essential workout gear for me. I was intrigued by Pablo’s cosplay photos, where he presented himself not only as heroes from Cesar Torres’ works but as heroic characters I knew and loved like Spider-Man, Shazam, and Jean Grey.
To help support Pablo, I donated to his Patreon, which netted me an invite to his Discord server. And what an invite that was. I was not sure what to fully expect, having had limited experience with Discord, but what I found was a forum and community of people who had interests in sync with my own. Queer superhero fans, cosplayers, fitness geeks, and spandex enthusiasts as far as the eye could see.
But it was the daily goings-on at Discord that truly made me feel at home. It wasn’t just trading hot pics -- although there is some of that going on -- but a full discussion on what these kinks mean to us and how we experience them in daily life. There’s discussion on how to source cosplay materials. There’s talk about what we think about superheroes in film and television and comic books. There’s posting of motivational fitness and cosplay pictures, which often lead to surprisingly constructive and supportive comments.
Best of all, the server isn’t primarily designed to hook up users like a dating app. First and foremost, it’s a place of discussion, support, and collaboration for those of us who in some cases might not have any other outlets for expressing our love of these topics or talking about the kinks that make us who we are. That being said, Pablo has provided one NSFW channel to allow people to indulge the more sexual side of these kinks. Because in the end, it’s impossible to remove that part of the equation.
Best of all, it’s a place where those of us who love the intersection of superheroes, fitness, cosplay, and kink can thrive and be honest with who we are and what we want. To quote fellow Discord user Peakeatchu (IG/Twitter: peakeatchu): “It’s where I can feel most myself. I came out in my mid twenties and being from a small town, was very shy and insecure about myself. Six years ago I started cosplaying and found friends with the same interest, and didn’t feel judged by them. I started gaining confidence in myself, and expanded my collection of costumes. Then one day, I say one of Pablo Greene’s posts about superheroes. We started talking and over the last few years become friends. With the advent of his Patreon page, I feel that I’ve had a great opportunity to learn more about the superhero kink and now with Discord, there is a larger group that I’m part of where I get to share my opinions and thoughts about our common shared interests.
I have a theory. I’m a fan of the Mad Max franchise, and if you’ve seen any of those films, you’ll notice how most of the people dress in some kind of fetish wear. Think of how the gang in The Road Warrior is decked out in harnesses, athletic pads, and leather. You can see similar concepts in the countless post-apocalyptic Mad Max knock-offs from the 80s, as well as in films like The Warriors. My theory is that in these kinds of future worlds, the reason the gangs dress like this is because they were all kinksters before the apocalypse, and they were either a tight-knit community already or quickly came together afterward. Either way, they found strength and purpose through their shared kink identity, and that’s why allowed them to survive.
So it’s time to start connecting with your fellow kinksters and to reclaim your own bit of personal power. Find your strength, find your voice, and find your community. The kink in me recognizes and respects the kink in you. And it’s beautiful.
About the Author
Johnny Gayzmonic is a writer, musician, film critic, and self-professed spandex enthusiast who lives, works, and lifts weights in Minneapolis, MN. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @johnnygayzmonic.